effy's world.

i’m going to die soon because it is only through death that rebirth takes place. every single satan forsaken part of me will die march 7th. i’ll update you on my rebirth.

no man is an island that i inhabit because every man is a condition i can’t bear to deal with. so seriously, fuck off.

i have to take an epic whizz, yeah?

***points off for the slightly stolen title.

my mind is a dark cesspool that’s constantly filtering uncensored ideas. sometimes it’s overwhelming, other times comforting. i’ve been thinking a lot lately. i’ve been thinking about what i want out of life. and what i want, more than anything is a career. not just any career, but a successful, meaningful career. i don’t want a relationship. i want to act them out, write about them, direct them. “love” to me, is too time consuming and an utter waste of time. the worst part is, you can spend years with someone and then something can come to an abrupt end and then it’s like..”great, i just wasted half of my life fucking you.”

i don’t want that feeling. the one you get when you wakeup one morning and realize, my lovelife has gone to complete shit. a lot of people don’t think it but money can be happiness. money pays the bills, money gets you things. in my personal opinion, poverty and wasted time is unhappiness. unhappiness generally leads to depression, which leads to suicide.

I had the craziest dream last night. It’s about a girl who gets turned into a swan but the prince falls for the wrong girl, so she kills herself.

-NINA SAYERS ( Black Swan )

one: find work.

two: finish something.

three: step my movie game up.

four: find clarity and peace. 

(obviously not in that order.)

it’s not a religion, it’s a lifestyle. 

(clears throat)

a “gobmaster” is a person whose an expert at talking.

that is all, ladies and trannys.

are we ever truly happy? what is happiness, really? is it a series of moments defined by smiles, laughs and comfort? or are those delusionals we confuse ourselves are real? is that what life is? is life the search of happiness? when i say “happiness” i don’t mean money, men, sex, cars, drugs.. the thing is i think that’s what everyone else means. everyone is on this search for what will trully, really make them happy. if we don’t know what “happy” is how can we do that?

I am the victim of thought and the product of failure.